Goodnight 2012

This entire year I have been saying "WTF 2012?!" Starting in January, right from the get-go, 2012 was looking like it was going to be a disaster. So much of a disaster that I was starting to believe that maybe the Mayans were right and that the world was going to end. At least my world.

On January 3rd, 2012, Kenneth and I found ourselves with a day off together, which rarely happened. So we decided to take advantage of the situation and go spend a day together. We went to Petsmart and got new collars and tags for the dogs (and some cheap holiday clearance toys), went to wal-mart for sweatshirts. We ate at Firehouse Subs for the first time and went to two different Targets to buy games for our new Nintendo Wii. We had a really nice morning and I was eager to get home and take down our Christmas decorations. 

When I walked into my apartment, however, something was wrong. My dogs didn't immediately come attack me with love like the usually did. Sebastian was sitting on the couch looking confused and sad and Emma was nowhere in sight. I called for her, put my bags down and went to the window to start taking down decorations. I saw her under the Christmas tree with a bag stuck on her head. I panicked and tried to run out the front door. I came back right away and Kenneth checked to see if she was breathing. She wasn't. I picked up Sebastian and went to the bedroom while Kenneth cleaned up, wrapped Emma in a blanket and called my dad. I was completely distraught. Emma was like a child to me. I picked her from the litter, raised her from a puppy and had become completely attached to her. She followed me everywhere I went, she even curled around my feet when I went to the bathroom. It was a really difficult adjustment living without her. It greatly affected my relationship with my other dog and my boyfriend. 

But after a while, the emptiness I felt without her started to go away. I got really busy with work and decided to really focus on my impending move to NYC. I was really making plans. Kenneth and I bought our plane tickets for our visit in the summer and we started to choose what we were going to sell and what we were going to keep. We opened a joint bank account and started throwing money into our savings. 

Kenneth's beautiful grandmother passed away early in 2012 as well. It came as a shock to most everyone because she had endured so much. She survived lung cancer and a host of other health problems. She was a well-loved woman and it was very sad to lose her. The family decided to wait to have the funeral in the late spring/early summer so that everyone in the family could go. 

I quit my job at Target and started working for ARCA and Campfire USA. I was working seven days a week, I never had a break. Every weekday I worked split shifts for Campfire and every weekend I worked 24 hours for ARCA. I was making a lot of money, but I never had time for my friends, family or my boyfriend. I still found time for voice lessons though! 

And as everyone knows, after Kenneth's grandmother's funeral, Kenneth and I broke up. (see previous post)

And as everyone knows, after Kenneth and I broke up, I was in Jesus Christ Superstar. 

Jesus Christ Superstar was an important show for me. I made a lot of new friends and learned a lot about myself as a performer and a person. One person in particular turned into one of my best friends...and I never would have expected it. Getting so close to him right before I moved turned out to be incredibly difficult. I was ready to say "goodbye for now" to everyone else, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him. I think one of the most difficult parts of moving for me has been not being able to actively be a part of his life as much as I was when I was back home. But it gets easier every day. It has to. 

And I moved to New York City. My only goal for this year was to move here and I did it. A small part of me wishes that I had waited until now to move. I missed Christmas with my family. I learned the hard way that I NEVER want to do that again. And I could have had some more time with my friends. But I am super proud that I actually went through with it. I didn't expect to be this scared, or this homesick. I've been here for a little more than three weeks, I start a job at the Harlem YMCA on the 7th and I've had interviews for other jobs. I've spent time with fellow New Mexico transplants, explored the city a little and seen some shows. I met a guy (too soon to tell at this point, but at least I've made a new friend) who is unlike anyone else I know... so I can only guess what my life will be like this time next year. 

Right now, my heart is still in New Mexico. I have decided to give myself a year in New York, and I will re-evaluate next December. I know that a lot is going to change between now and then- I mean look how much my life changed THIS year! But right now, if my heart is still in Albuquerque by next December, then I'm going to come home. But I need to give New York a real shot. I need to go out and meet people and start working and going to auditions. Because that's why I came here. And in a year, if I feel like I gave it a shot and I still want to come home, then I will come home with my head held high and I will still be proud of myself. 

So, while a ton of bad stuff happened... it wasn't a total disaster. It certainly wasn't the end of the world. I know that a ton of major life changes happened for me, and I will forever remember 2012. I thought that I would end the year with joy and a "good riddance", but ultimately, I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the things I accomplished. I am proud of my friendships and relationships and the decisions I made for myself. I look forward to whatever 2013 has to offer!

I'm ending this blog with a quote. I usually like to quote people I admire, in this case I'm quoting someone I don't have an opinion about, but I really just liked the quote haha. Enjoy, be safe tonight and I'll post again soon. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear."-  Pat Riley

2/22/2006 to 7/29/2012 to Right Now

I have entirely neglected my blog for months. I know this affected like... four people. So, to my valued readers, I apologize. I have some time now and figure it's never too late to pick up where you left off and let everyone know what happened, now that I have had time to process things, get over it and move on.

I probably should have read my last blog post so I knew where I left off. It's safe to assume that it was pretty much right after Kenneth left me. Which came as a total shock to most everyone who knew us, because we seemed so comfortable and good together. And we had been planning this trip to New York and planning to MOVE to New York and we had these dogs together and blah blah blah. It came as a complete shock to me too, although now looking back, if I had been more observant I suppose I could have seen it coming from miles away.

I got my first clue when he and I went to Colorado for his grandmother's funeral earlier this year. He acted strangely when his family would compliment us on how cute of a couple we were. He seemed hesitant to take pictures with me. He would barely hold on when I held his hand. After the service, he told me he was worried about how his mom was gonna hold up when he moved, and then later told me that he was unhappy with some things in our relationship. I promised to work on them and we came home the following day.

That evening, after we picked the dog up from my step sister's house, I got into bed and he stayed out in the living room (this had become common in our home, we barely ever went to sleep at the same time). But I couldn't sleep, I was reliving the weekend and the conversation about his mother and so on and so forth. And suddenly it clicked that something was not right. I came out into the living room and asked, "I know this is a stupid question, and I probably shouldn't even think it but... yesterday... were you trying to break up with me?" And he looked down and said, "I don't know". And suddenly it was like I was a different person. It felt like my stomach was being torn from my torso, every muscle in my body contracted and I fell to the floor sobbing. It was so dramatic and insane and... it was because in that moment I knew it was over and that loss was harder to bear than anything I had ever felt before. It was like being shot in the heart and stabbed in the back all at the same time.

Kenneth was the only person I had been with since I was sixteen years old. At sixteen I never would have imagined that I would find that person that I had planned on being with for the rest of my life. I had a relationship that I was proud of, that I bragged about often ("oh we communicate great, all the time. communication is key to a good relationship!") And it all came out from there. He told me he had been unhappy for years. That he couldn't trust me. That we wanted different things. He said he thought I must have been cheating on him. And that he never told me these things because he thought I would "figure out that he was unhappy and work to fix it". He didnt feel appreciated or loved or desired. I begged him to let me try to make it better. And he said he would let me try.

And I did, I tried for the next week. When he wasn't home, I cooked and cleaned and googled "How to Make Your Man Feel Appreciated"... and "How to keep him from leaving me". I tried to keep planning our July trip to New York (which was coming up in three short weeks). I'd look up places he may be interested in (Comic shops, gaming places, locations from famous movies he liked) and when I'd bring it up he would say things like "well it's your trip, do whatever you want to do" or "there's nothing i really care about in New York, so we'll just do whatever". It was so frustrating, and the whole time I felt nervous and desperate and in the back of my mind I knew it was too little too late. I couldn't change the years of bad feelings he had stored up in a week of trying... no matter how desperate I was or how hard I tried. I cried every day until he came home, when I would smile at him and ask him how his day was and what he wanted for dinner, because I knew that whenever I was sad or mad, he thought it was his fault or that I didn't notice how hard he worked to make me happy. I was pathetic.

A lot of this time was a blur for me. I know that I did some bad things ( like snooped in his phone to try to see what he was telling his friends- good thing he didn't trust me because he deleted all of his outgoing texts and some of the incoming) but when you feel as desperate as I did, you are driven to do crazy things. I was trying to find evidence of anything that would make this whole break up not my fault. And we talked... we talked a lot, and every conversation ended with him saying he's basically not happy and he doesn't want to move to New York.

The day we decided officially to break up, I was in the bedroom taking a nap before I had to go to a work meeting. He came in, laid down beside me and held me in his arms and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said "not really" and he heaved a frustrated sigh and said "I'm just worried I'm making a mistake". Now, I assumed that he meant making a mistake by leaving me so I say, " I'll just say this, I love you. I want you to move with me to New York." and he said, "I just don't think it's the right move for me sweetie". So I asked, "Is there any chance that you going on this trip with me is going to change your mind?" and he said, "I don't think so". So I said, "then I don't want you to come with me".

He agreed to give me all the money in our savings (which was mostly mine anyway, another one of the warning signs that he didn't actually want to go anywhere with me was that he basically put no money towards it. The money he did give me was by selling his D&D books, and I was the one who made the ad, found the buyer, etc. etc.) and the dog. My Dad helped me out a TON by buying Diana a plane ticket to come on the NYC trip with me instead of Kenneth (yes because his ticket was non refundable/non transferable) and we agreed to spend the next two weeks getting our things squared away at the apartment. We agreed that I would have most of my things moved out before the trip and when I came back I'd help clean and our lease would be over and that would be that.

It was my trip to New York City with Diana that really changed my perspective on the break up. I suddenly stopped blaming myself. He knew when he started dating me back in 2006 that I wanted to one day move away from here and that I loved performing. It was something I always thought he admired about me. In the six and a half years we were together, I had grown from a sixteen year old girl with hopes and dreams to a twenty three year old woman with a college education and the drive to make my dreams into a reality. I had changed so much, but what didn't change was that I still loved him and even though he hadn't changed much at all, I was willing to keep believing that he would.

So maybe it is a little bit my fault. Because you shouldn't want to change the person you love. But it was more than that. I believed that Kenneth was better than he gave himself credit for. He was way too smart to not have his GED. He was way too talented a writer and an artist to not have a passion or drive to do anything other than his games and hobbies. And it drove me nuts because I loved and respected him so much and I believed in him. I wanted to give him the world, and I felt that New York City would inspire him to really go out there and get what he wanted. But what I discovered is that he doesn't know what he wants.

I also came to realize how controlling I had been in the relationship. I made most of our decisions, where we were going to live, who was going to live with us, when we were going to get dogs, what their names were going to be. One summer I decided we were both going to work at my summer camp.  But I think he was okay with that- because he didnt have to think about what he wanted, or he didn't have to admit that he didnt want ME anymore.

I admire Kenneth a little bit, I suppose for having the courage to leave me after all that time. It takes a lot of guts to say goodbye to the person you shared a quarter of your life so far with. But I wish that if he had been feeling all of the things he said he had been feeling for as long as he did, that he would have said something sooner. Before we opened the bank account, before my dad bought the plane tickets to NYC, before we signed the lease on the new apartment, before he came to work at camp... it could have saved so much hurt and anger and heart break.

When I came back from my trip to New York, it was like having a fire lit from under me. I was beyond excited to move out there by myself. I knew I could do it and I was (and still am) confident I can do it on my own. I auditioned for Jesus Christ Superstar here in Albuquerque exactly one year after having surgery on my vocal folds. I never felt better about an audition. I was cast in the show and became so busy with work and rehearsals... I didnt have time to feel sad. I cancelled our joint account, opened my own and just basically got my shit together.

Being in Jesus Christ Superstar has given me exactly what I needed. I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself and being down because I couldn't sing or I wasn't in a show or felt like I didn't have many friends. Being in this show has reminded me of that passion... that fire inside me. It has showed me that he was right to leave me, because I could never have loved him more than I love the art that I do. I have met so many incredible people, who are all so supportive and loving and talented beyond belief. And all of them are excited for me to go to New York and go get what I want from life. And that's exactly what I plan to do.

I may not ever become famous or get in a Broadway show, but I can't wait to go and try and see what happens. And I will never feel guilty or torn because I wont have to worry about anyone but me. And... I came to realize too that I am smart, and funny and interesting, and educated and pretty and have so much going for me... that him being unhappy in our relationship had very little to do with me.

I rarely even think about him anymore. I can honestly say that I don't miss him at all. Do I miss the way I felt with him? Sometimes. It's nice to always know that at home there is someone who thinks the world of you and thinks you're beautiful no matter what. But since I've been away from him, I've had to find ways to make myself feel beautiful and think the world of myself. Because I am the only constant thing in my own life, the only person who will be with me until the day I die is me.

In thirty eight days I get on a plane with a one-way ticket to New York City to start my life over again. And who knows where I'll go from there?

Selling All My Stuff

Between now and the last post, a really huge life altering event has occurred. But I don't feel like writing about it right now. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to write about it, but if you know me personally and are really interested and just can't wait (and I havent already told you), feel free to shoot me a private message/email and ask. 

But regardless- I am still moving to New York City as soon as possible. Because the lease at my apartment is up at the end of this month, I need to get rid of all of my things before I leave for my New York TRIP on the 24th and come back on the 29th. I'm selling all of my furniture, my record player (much to my dismay), my keyboard (much to my dismay), 80 of our dvds and much more. Basically, if it's in my house, it's probably for sale (other than some of my clothes, my wii, my guitar and my camera). I have put a lot of it on craigslist, and remember that all prices are just a ballpark (I hardly expect to actually get 300 for my couch) But if you're in the market for anything please look at my craigslist post, or shoot me a text or email and just ask. 

Click here for the big Craigslist Ad with almost everything in it

Click here for a full list of the DVDs I'm selling

Every thing you buy from me, any photos you get taken by me, any donations you make on ChipIn no matter how big or small, helps get one step closer to my dream of living and thriving in New York City. As always, thanks for reading and helping!

Dancing Through Life...

Today was a pretty awesome day! I started out cleaning my house some and then went and took headshots for a beautiful young actress, went home and cleaned some more and then met Diana at Maple Street Dance Space in Nob Hill for an African Dance class!

The picture above is the inside of Maple Street Dance Space, its from their website, but next time I'm gonna take my own pictures of the outside and stuff. It's a beautiful space and the people there were so nice and inviting. I'm usually kind of scared to go to dance class because the people there have (in general) been doing it longer than I have and I usually have a really hard time picking things up. But this place is so great, everyone was at varying degrees of awesome, and they all had more experience than both Diana and myself (clearly- it was our first time!) but they all seemed excited to see new people. It built on itself too, like it started out with the most basic and then got harder and harder but by the time it was at its hardest, you were just having fun. I was complimented by several people in the class on my rhythm, they were surprised that it was my first African Dance class and couldn't believe that I hadn't have much dance training at all. This has really boosted my confidence and has made me want to take more and more dance classes. Maple Street has Adult Beginners Ballet class too, and its taught by the same woman who teaches African Dance, so I'm definitely going to check that out too so I can get my basics down. I can't believe how much fun I had tonight and I'm for sure going back again and again.

I was supposed to go to yoga with my sister afterward, but she wanted to go shoe shopping and go eat dinner instead. I figured this was okay because I had just been dancing, and we went to Sweet Tomatoes. I've been really good about not spending money unless I have to (gas, bills, groceries) in the past couple weeks so I let myself go out to eat with Amy, and it's salad haha.

So yeah! Super great day! Thanks for reading :)

One small step...

So much has happened since my last post, some toward the NYC goal and some not.

My sister and I took a short trip down to Alamogordo, NM to visit my mom and step dad. It was nice. My sister and I had a really great talk on the way down there. We talked about things we had never talked to each other about. It was surprising, and enlightening and I feel a lot closer to her now. During our full day there, my sister wanted to learn how to shoot my step dad's guns, and I tagged along (I mean, every one else was going). I wasn't very interested in it, but I wanted to be with my family so I went too. I shot his rifle, because I have shot and taught others how to shoot the rifles at camp. I mean the camp ones were air rifles, but it was essentially the same. My sister had a ton of fun with that, and she's a pretty good shot too. Afterward we went to lunch at the fanciest restaurant in Alamogordo. And after that my mom and I upgraded my phone (it's pretty neat, I'm still getting used to it though) and then we all went to White Sands to watch the sunset. We were all so exhausted on the way back that my step dad even fell asleep in the car.

The ride back home was only a little more stressful, because we got a late start and accidentally made a wrong turn and drove in the wrong direction for twenty minutes... and then had to spend another twenty minutes going all the way back to Tularosa. So it took us about an hour longer to get home than usual, but in the end it was a really nice trip with my sister.

Kenneth and I have been starting to sell some of our stuff on Craigslist (the stuff we didnt think would do so well at a yard sale). So far we've sold Kenneth's Dungeons & Dragons books for $400, which is super awesome. And Kenneth got a bonus for referring me to ARCA, and we were able to put that in our savings as well. I also put my very last paycheck from Campfire USA in our savings account today. The number's getting higher and it's starting to look like we're not so screwed. We still have a long way to go, but it's not looking so dismal anymore :)

If anyone has ever been to my house and seen something they wanted (like if you really love our couch or or tv...) shoot me an email and let me know and maybe we can just sell it to you :) We will be having a yard sale (the yard is TBA) before we leave for our trip next month and everything must go!

I also decided that it's time for me to get a second job, because I'm only getting part time hours at ARCA and instead of picking up 40 hours there, I could get a second job and make a little more money (thats what I was doing with Campfire USA). I've also decided that its time for me to get some serving experience. I've done childcare and retail already and could probably get a job doing one of those when we get to New York. I could also work for an agency like ARCA, but I want to have as much work experience as possible so that in the event that I want to work as a server in New York, I'll have a better chance. But its really important for me to have my weekday evenings free, so I want to work at a restaurant that does breakfast/lunch. I was inspired by my friend Christie who just moved to New York City in January- when she lived here she worked at Cracker Barrel. So I went in today and applied, I talked to a manager right away who seemed impressed with my application, liked the fact that I knew Christie (asked how she was doing) and said he would give me a call by Friday to schedule a formal interview. I also applied at the Range. Either tomorrow or Wednesday I'm also going to apply at Weck's, and look at some other breakfast joints close(ish) to my house.

My friend Amy came with me to my last voice lesson because she wanted to see how a voice lesson typically goes with my teacher. It was really fun, but I wondered afterward if I behaved differently because she was there. Was I performing? It was odd, but I still got some good work done. What I really need to do is pick five songs for my audition book that I do really well and then work on them with Donna until they're perfect. I wish my printer was working because there are some pieces of music that I need to get off my computer to work on with Donna. Also, once I work on something else with her I'll record another video with Paul.

So that's it! I went on a trip with my sister, had another voice lesson and put some more money in the bank. I just keep on keeping on. As always, thanks for reading and if you ever feel inspired to pitch in to help me achieve my dream of moving to New York City, you can click the ChipIn widget below to donate.  Thanks!

Getting Back to Business

Last week, my voice teacher was out of town so I didn't have a lesson. Instead I chose to take a vocal coaching session from the esteemed Mr. Paul Roth, which was fun, but now I've got to really get back to relearning my vocal technique. I'm afraid that I forgot a lot of what Donna was teaching me... it's been only a week I know, but sometimes it's hard for me to get the feeling/placement/breathing/everything else right without someone there who knows what I'm doing wrong when something doesn't sound right.

I had to make a very difficult decision this past weekend. I had to choose between working the weekend or taking it off to audition for a show. It's so important to me that I do a show before I leave Albuquerque, but so far I havent had much luck since my surgery, and we're fighting so hard to raise all the money we need that I decided it would be foolish to take the time off work for something that I might not even get. At this point I've chosen to work and continue taking voice lessons.

This weekend, Kenneth and I went to the joint birthday party of Gilbert and Jessica F., it was very fun, but also was a super great networking night. I met someone new who loves my photography and wants to have headshots done, and I made a deal with a dancer friend to trade photography work for private dance lessons (Lord knows, I need them!) Also, I asked Jess out on a girl-date to get to know her better. She is super talented and has already lived in New York once (and is moving back out there soon), so I know she will have super awesome advice and wisdom to share with me... also I've known her for so long and we've never hung out just us, and I've decided that sucks and we should be better friends. Thankfully she agreed :)

This weekend I got really into my book about living in New York and I highlighted important websites and information I found helpful. I dog-eared the pages about which neighborhoods in Brooklyn I wouldn't mind living in. I do wish, though, that this book had more information about cost... when I was reading about the different neighborhoods it didn't once mention anything like "this neighborhood is affordable" or "this neighborhood is pricey". And it's a little out-dated, I was reminded when I read a passage that mentioned what hell it is to drive through Time Square... but you can't drive through Time Square anymore, it's all one big sidewalk now!

Today, I took it easy. I ate really well and went on a couple walks with Sebastian. I had a short training at the ARCA home I work for, and did a bunch of internet apartment hunting. I looked at craigslist postings for Brooklyn and looked at sublet.com (a website my book recommended). I looked at apartments in the neighborhoods I had dogeared in my book. I quickly discovered which neighborhoods are pricey and which are affordable haha! Also, Kenneth and I are toying with the idea of finding a month-to-month sublet or renting just a room for a month or two while we look for an apartment we want to sign a lease to. We're finding rooms available as late as August 1st for 600-900 a month, which is a steal. And if there are openings like that right now, I can only imagine that if we continue to look we will find something when we're ready to move out there.

I woke up really early this morning with a killer charlie horse cramp in my calf and its still sore from it. So I'm gonna drink a bunch of water and wrap it in my heating pad and try to get some sleep. Thanks for reading and I'll be sure to post about my voice lesson tomorrow :) See ya!

As always, thanks to my ChipIn supporters!!!



And in case you're curious, here is a link to my tumblr page, which I use as my online photography portfolio:
http://iamjwphotography.tumblr.com/

Never let a bad day be enough...

to talk you into giving up.

Today I watched SMASH for the first time (I know, I know, I'm waaay behind everyone else) and it's so strange watching it from my perspective. I may never get that far, and it's funny because I find myself getting kind of jealous watching it. Like, I want to be there so bad and I want to be auditioning and going to dance class and going out with my friends and be in New York. And I know I will be soon enough.  In one of the episodes I watched today was the song "Crazy Dreams" by Carrie Underwood and while I thought it was cute, one line stood out to me:

Never let a bad day be enough to talk you into giving up


I'll have to keep reminding myself that while I'm still struggling every day to figure out to raise this money and keep working on my voice and my body, that this means more to me than anything else I've done. In fact, every accomplishment has only been a stepping stone to get me to this point. 


Once I imported my new videos to my computer and listened to them again, I've decided that I sounded better on the recorder than I do on my computer... haha. and lame. So I may only post one of them. I don't know yet. I know I'm over critical of myself, but it takes a lot of courage to put videos of yourself singing on youtube. And I dont want to just put up anything, I want to make sure that its my best. 







If you want to support me and Kenneth in our move but you don't want to just donate money for nothing, we totally understand. From now on, I'll also be accepting payments for headshots and other photography work through our chipIn widget (my paypal). Thanks so much to everyone whose contributed so far!

Manhattan to Brooklyn

This weekend at Hasting's I found a book called NYC: An Owner's Manual. It's really cool, and it was used for $3.00 so I bought it and flipped through it. It has a lot of advice about moving to New York, how to get apartments, what to expect from each neighborhood in different boroughs, and then it goes into what to do once you get there- how to get jobs, insurance, where to do your laundry, where to meet friends, etc. I've only barely looked at it so far, but I'll let you know if it does any good in helping Kenneth and I plan our whirlwind, weeklong "vacation" to find a place to live and scope out jobs coming up next month.

I realized today that next month is the last month I'll be paying rent in Albuquerque, and it felt real and scary and exciting all at the same time.

Saturday night I had a vocal coaching session with the incredibly talented and always hilarious/insightful Mr. Paul Roth. We worked on a couple songs I've been working on with my voice teacher and then recorded some videos (that I will post later this week). Last night I listened to all 50 minutes of video I took Saturday night and kind of liked what I heard. It's rare that any singer, even the best ones, enjoy the way they sound recorded. I kind of liked listening to myself, but I think it's because compared to how I used to sound (kind of husky and smokey sounding because of that damn cyst) I sound a lot more clean and bright. I still have a ton of work to do on my voice (high belt? a little scary!) but I am very proud of where I am right now. So I'm excited to post those videos and see what other people think.

Tonight I went back to hot yoga with my sister and her friends. It's been almost three months since i've been (because I couldn't go to early morning classes because I worked and I didnt want to go in the evening because I had to wake up so early to go to work haha). I felt awful because while the class wasn't particularly difficult (about average, as far as the yoga goes) it was suuuuuper hot because there were a lot of people there and I found it really hard to breath, which stopped my practice entirely and I had to just sit or stand to catch my breath and clear my head/refocus.

In yoga tonight the teacher had us dedicate the class to someone. I went through my brain files and picked a number of different people. Like a little wheel of fortune wheel, only instead of dollar amounts it had my friends/family's faces on it. I landed on my good friend from high school Amanda Torres (used to be Sloan but she got married). I've been thinking about her a lot lately, even though I haven't seen her in over a year (her and her husband came and saw me in The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee) She started posting earlier this year on facebook about how she and her husband were going to adopt a baby and he's finally here today. When I saw his little face on facebook I started to cry, Amanda is going to be such a wonderful mother and he is the luckiest baby in the whole world to have a family like the them! Congratulations Mama Amanda :)

Tomorrow I'm going back on phase 1 of my diet (the strict part) because while on phase 2 I stopped losing weight. I didn't gain any (thank goodness) but I stopping losing. So I'm gonna do two more weeks on phase one and then try phase two again. Also I'm going back to yoga in the morning with my sister, then I'm going to meet the newest member of our family- my step mom's baby great dane, Pheobe!!!! This is going to be a wonderful week off from work... but I'm still working on finding more hours at ARCA or getting a second supplementary job for the rest of the summer. Gotta earn that money!

As always, thanks for reading and please if you have an extra buck or four, feel free to ChipIn!!!!!

Please Chip In!

Hello friends, family, fellow bloggers. This post is all about how to chip-in to help get me and Kenneth to New York. If you want to read more about why, look at yesterday's post "New York City Dreaming"

Chip-In is a website that helps people like me raise money for different causes, events, etc. All it is, is a way for one person to donate money to another person using paypal, which is safe and secure. My chip-in is linked directly to my paypal account. So when you donate, your donation goes straight into my paypal.

So, at the end of all of my blogs you'll see something that looks like this:




All you need to do is click "chipIn!" and you can donate anything, as small as $1 to help us move. Every little bit helps and means so so so so very much to me. I'm not sure if we'll be able to raise enough money to move on our own without some help.

I know that not everyone can donate, but if you can spare $1 you'll be helping me so much!

The $5,000 goal is only half of what we're trying to save for our move. This $10,000 estimate includes our one way plane tickets, first/last months rent, security deposit, possible broker's fees, transportation (metro cards/cab fare), some food money, and some seed money for voice and dance lessons once we're out there.

Kenneth and I are both working over 40 hours each week and are also contributing to our moving money, the chipIn is just a way to help ease the stressful burden that is the daunting move across the country. So please please please, if you can help, pitch in... just a little bit!

Thanks so much!

New York City Dreaming...

My entire life I have loved performing. I loved singing in my church choir, in the bathtub, in my room, outside, inside, everywhere. I'd open my mouth and sing with reckless abandon. My mom likes to tell stories about when I was a kid in elementary shows I was always the loudest one. In some ways, I am still like this today.

I realized I wanted to be an actress when my sister started taking drama classes at Hoover Middle School and I went to see her perform. I thought she was so funny, and I loved watching her on stage. So when I got to middle school I couldn't wait to start taking drama classes. I took to it like a fish to water and with the help of my teacher and friend (who I still talk to today) Mr. Raison, I learned to act Shakespeare (no-really, Shakespeare, in 7th grade- no joke) and in 2003 he encouraged me to audition for my first community theatre production.

I went to my first auditions not knowing a thing about auditioning. I auditioned for MTS's production of Evita (for the children's chorus). I had never auditioned before so I went in there without sheet music. Luckily, the pianist knew my song ("In My Own Little Corner" from Cinderella) but he knew it in a different key then I had been practicing in and I remember that I started singing it in the lower octave and he made me start over. I felt so awful about that audition but I was shocked that I got a call-back. They gave me a piece of music to learn and told me to come back at a certain time on a certain day. That same day I had an audition for The Crucible at ALT directed by Paul Ford. It consisted of cold readings only (thank GOD because I certainly wouldn't have had a monologue ready) and I got a call back for that one too. The callbacks for both shows were at the same time on the same day. I had to choose between the two and because I was very intimated by sheet music (and had never had a voice lesson in my life) I chose to go back to ALT and eventually landed the role in the Crucible.

I dont think I could have asked for a better experience than I received in the Crucible. I learned so much about acting and working with different people. Adults. Professionals. Everyone was older than me, and certainly wiser. They had all already gone through middle school, high school... college. The next youngest actor in the show was a sophomore in college. They all took turns teaching me things- I learned the hard way in that show not to say "Macbeth" in the theatre, why you shouldn't play with the props, to look people in the eye when you're talking to them (on and off stage)... things that seem silly to me now, I needed to learn then. I remember during the callbacks for that show being so intimated by all the other actresses my age who had also gotten callbacks. They were all a little cuter than me. Definitely thinner than me and all seemed to know what they were doing. I thought for sure that Paul would cast anyone other than me. But he didn't- he cast me instead. And I remember so vividly, on opening night he pulled me aside and told me that he cast me because I was "special, different... grounded. There are enough Britney Spears' in the world".

Ever since then I have worked to maintain what makes me special, different, grounded. I try to stand out by being unique and not holding back and not trying to be anything other than me. I have worked very hard to get to where I am now. I have tried to think of other professions I could go into. I could teach, maybe. Stay in camping forever... one time I looked up how to become a travel agent. But I could never figure out which path to take. The truth is, that everything other than acting seems like a placeholder job. Like... something I guess I could tolerate doing until I could actually act. Because I can't (right now) imagine doing anything other than that.

And that's why I have to move to New York City. New York City is where I need to be in order to try to live my dream. And I'll live there a long time trying- but if I don't try, then I'll never know if I could have done it or not. If I don't try, I'll always wonder.

And I need to leave NOW because, I'm not getting any younger. And 23 is already kind of old when it comes to starting out as a young actress. And because if I don't leave NOW then I may never. I'll settle in, get too comfortable and wont ever go.  I'm so fortunate to have Kenneth, who is willing to go to the ends of earth with me, he makes me feel courageous... and whenever I start to want to give up, he finds a way to remind me how important moving there is to us.

I have always dreamed of living in New York and one day singing on Broadway. I believe that I can do it if I work hard enough and push far enough. Thanks for reading my blog so far. I'll make sure to keep up with it!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is one of the videos Gilbert and I made last week: Singers Who Play Chords- Born This Way

I plan to make more videos soon, of some of the songs from my repertoire book (musical theatre pieces, etc.) SWPC is just for fun! But I hope you enjoy and when I have some other videos I'll make sure to post them here too :)

Wine, Food & Avengers!

This weekend was super interesting and very fun! I got to see my mom and stepdad on Monday. They took me to my very first wine festival and then I got to go have dinner with my mom's friends, which is always nice. They are a beautiful, fun group of people.

Because it's late I will only say that this week I will write a blog about why I want to move to New York, what I plan to do when I get out there and details of my hopes and dreams. It seems odd that I am asking for help to move but I havent actually discussed why it's so important that I go yet. If I had the energy to do that tonight I would. But I don't. So keep your eyes peeled for that!

Today was my last day at my before/after school job. I'm really, very happy that it's over. I will miss the kids, but I will not miss the program. Now, I will have a much deserved break and then get some more hours at my other job and maybe pick up another one.

Tonight, Kenneth took me out to see The Avenger's and it was AWESOME. So now, I've finally seen it and I dont have to plug my ears and hum every time someone starts talking about it!

I hope everyone had a fun memorial day weekend, and I swear I'll blog something more meaningful in the very near future.

New-Summer's-Resolution

I feel like I should post today, because I didn't post yesterday. However, I don't know if I Have anything interesting to talk about. Yesterday I went to work and then went over to my Dad's house to let our dogs play together and to chat. Even though everything I had to talk about I had already blogged about and so my dad already knew about. Then we watched tv and I went home around 9, then went to work this morning at 8 and now I'm home... blogging.

Tuesday is my last day working for my before and after school program. I can't wait, it's exhausting and not nearly as much fun as working for camp. This is going to be my first summer in 6 years that I havent worked at camp. It's scary, it's like I dont know what to do without camp. And it makes me pretty sad.

So lately I've been trying to think of all the fun things I get to do this summer. I get to go on a trip to New York with Kenneth to begin looking for jobs/apartments, etc. I get to go swimming in a pool whenever I want (not as much fun as the river, or the waterhole, but still pretty good). I get to spend time with my dog and family. I think the family is a big thing. I really havent had a summer where I've had time to spend with my sister. I usually see her on her birthday and thats it during the summer. My new-summer's-resolution- spend more time with Amy.

I'm starting to get sugar cravings. I've been doing very well with my diet but recently all I've wanted is bunny tracks ice cream and peanut butter cups. I havent had any, but I want it. It sucks. I open my fridge and all I see is vegetables and it makes me sad. I love eating (who doesn't) and it's been really hard so far having to give up things I love to eat. I know in the end it will be good for me and so I abstain, but it's incredibly difficult.

Tonight I'm going to find a scary movie on demand and watch it with my dog. I'm actually excited to spend a Saturday night in! Goodnight and I'll blog again on Monday!

Gym, Swim, Laundry.

Today I went to the gym to make up for the fact that I didn't go yesterday. I worked out for 30 minutes and then I paddled around in my apartment's swimming pool/layed out by the pool and read my girl book. It was really a nice morning.

I'm reading a book by Jennifer Weiner. She's one of my favorite authors because she writes books geared towards women, and most of her heroines are overweight or used to be overweight. I find that she writes in a way that is very relatable. Also whenever I think of laying out by the pool, I can't think of any other books to read but hers.

I waited until after the gym to put sunscreen on and thought I got it everywhere, but I missed a huge spot on my back and on the backs of my legs and now I'm bright red like a lobster on my back half. So now I know to always wake Kenneth up and ask him to help me!

OH! Also, when I was leaving the pool I slipped on my stupid rubber shoes and landed really hard in the street and scraped my leg/hurt my arm. So that sucks haha.

I have two jobs right now, one during the week and one on the weekends. During the week I help run a before and after school program for K-5 at an elementary school. Last week we took the kids to watch the art/drama club's dress rehearsal for a play they made up. It was like The Wizard of Oz but in New Mexico. It was cute. But, this week, without me saying a word, a little group formed in my program and they have written a play and directed it themselves. They have light technicians, sound effects and everything. It's probably the most adorable thing I've ever seen! What's maybe most impressive is that the little girl who started it is a known troublemaker. Through this process she has become more compassionate and accepting. She held mini auditions and cast people she doesnt usually play with. Now a whole bunch of kids who didnt usually play together have made a little piece of art together. We get to watch it tomorrow. It makes me really happy to watch how theatre can bring people together, even if its a ten minute play made up by a fourth grader.

Thanks again to everyone whose chipped-in so far! We're starting to feel much more optimistic :) Goodnight!

This Little Piggy...

Today I took a very necessary step in maintaining our finances. The complicated bank situation, simply put, was that randomly and several times in the past two weeks, transfers were made from my savings to my checking. I was not manually doing this, and my checking was not overdrawn. The amounts were also random, one was $50, one was $32, etc. And because the bank could not give me a definite reason why this was happening or how to stop it, I took all of my money out of my savings and started a joint savings account with Kenneth at another bank. Neither of our checking accounts are linked to it, so the way we're looking at it- is a much safer version of stuffing our money in a box under our bed. We'll see how this works out of course.

The most exciting part of the morning was the realization that our piggy bank was full. When I was working at Target, I bought a ton of useless crap I didn't need (one of the reasons I had to stop working there, and one of the reasons I wasnt saving any money while I worked there) and one of the more useful of my purchases was an adorable black/chalkboard piggy bank. I doodled the New York City skyline on one side, the Statue of Liberty on the other, connected by the Brooklyn bridge. On the top I drew a zia sign, and a tiny little airplane flying from the zia to I <3 NY. It was inspirational. And opaque black, so the temptation wouldn't be there to use the change before the bank was full. And if I even thought about cracking into it, the little doodles of my hopes and dreams deterred me.  We dumped it out on our carpet and counted out approx. $150 worth of change! Which is incredible, considering it was stuffed inside our tiny little pig.

It's a small victory, but it made us really happy.

After work today I went over to Gilbert's house and we took about four hours to record two songs on my zoom. It was so funny, we didn't understand how singing in front of a tiny camera was more frightening than singing in front of a crowd of people. It was a lot of fun, and I'll be uploading these videos soon (not tonight, though, I'm super tired!)

I had big plans for fitness today, but we accidentally took too long at the bank, so I'll have to do my Wednesday workout tomorrow!

Thanks so much to those who have already contributed to our chip-in page! I know it's not showing on the widget quite yet, but it's just because I'm still in the process of verifying my bank account with my paypal account, so it will be a couple days before it shows up. I appreciate both of you so so much, and feel so much love already!

Goodnight :)

From now on I am going to blog almost every day until I move to NYC this year.

you don't believe me, do you? well I'm gonna!

So far this year has been absolute crap. My beautiful baby puppy died suddenly, one of my best friends moved to Chicago, my boyfriend's grandmother died, and my bank is randomly screwing me every chance they get. It's very confusing about the bank thing. OH and I've gotten absolutely nothing as far as community theatre goes after finally getting my singing voice back after surviving a vocal chord mucosal cyst and surgery to remove it last year. I already had to postpone my move because of the surgery or else I would already be in New York. Me and Kenneth and Sebastian (and who knows, maybe she wouldn't have died- Emma too?)

This vocal chord cyst really truly, honestly ruined everything I had going for me as far as my "dreams" were concerned. Before the cyst I was in shows and people were dying to hear me sing and wanted me in their plays. I had enough money leftover from college to move safely to New York without having to do anything. I had a super active social life and felt on top of the world.

It's been a huge setback trying to get back to where I was. Now I'm not getting in shows because people think I can't handle it, like I'm frail or something. If anything- my voice is stronger, better and smoother than ever. (there will be videos soon, I promise). We had to use most of my college money to get our current apartment and pay for bills/food/etc. while I couldn't work after my surgery and while Kenneth was trying to find a job post-camp last fall. So now we're starting from square one.

So here's the deal. Kenneth and I need to save at least $6,000 to get to New York. And we are afraid we aren't going to get there.

We are hoping (fingers crossed!) that Diana (bff) will be moving with us. Which will help with expenses, but we want to make sure we have enough on our own too.

So here are the things I need to do/plan to do before we move to New York City in September:

1.) Lose Weight (the other reason I'm not getting parts in shows)
2.) Save Money
3.) Strengthen My Voice
4.) Improve Dance Skills (the other other reason I'm not getting parts in shows)

As of last Wednesday I have lost 5.6lbs

Today we have $490 saved for NYC (it's a long story how we lost the other 500 bucks, so dont ask because I'm grumpy about it)

Had a voice lesson today, we're working on my higher register. I will post details of this in tomorrows post.

I have done nothing yet to improve my dance skills, but will discuss a plan to do this in the next coming posts.


OH and part of my new plan for saving money for moving to NYC is using this website called "Chip-In", where I basically cyberbeg for money.

If you have anything to contribute to help Kenneth and I raise the money we need to move to New York and follow my dreams, it would be greatly appreciated. If you know anyone who loves to help people and believes in me, shoot them a link to our chipin!!!

2012... so far...

It's only been 2012 for 11 days and it hasn't started off so great. On Tuesday, January 3rd, Kenneth and I came home to find our three year old puppy Emma dead under our Christmas tree. I'm still processing things and don't really want to get into the details, not now anyway.

The good news is that this is the year that Kenneth and I move to New York City. Last night at the Revolutions International Theatre Festival kick-off party, my friend, teacher and mentor, Joanne Camp gave me her card and asked me to make sure I get together with her before I move so she can help me out with acting lessons and connect me with some of her friends out there. She is kind of incredible- her and her husband started a theatre company a while back and she has really had an impressive career. It is so great to have a vital connection like that. Also, I ran into Paul Ford who asked me if I was coming to audition for him this summer. It feels good to be recognized by people who I look up to. Especially since I've been out of the game for quite some time

So here is my official start to my leaving for New York countdown-

today is January 11

move date is August 31st

233 days until we move to NEW YORK CITY