L-O-S-E-R

It's been an awful long time since my first post, but I havent really felt a need to post lately.

Things are starting to pick up, I got a job as a cashier at Target. I start work tomorrow and I'm nervous, but excited. I think that I can do well there, and will probably get promoted once the seasonal work is over. It will be good for me to distract myself with this job.

My best friend from high school recently moved back to town and convinced me to audition for Peter Pan at the Vortex. I was excited because I really wanted to do a show with him again and I knew the director and stage manager. Things got more daunting when I went to the audition and realized that most everyone from school was auditioning too. Many of them didnt even realize that I had graduated and just thought I was taking a break or something. I really thought I had it, but I didnt get cast. But my two close friends who auditioned both got in. It's incredibly disheartening, especially because I have this whole big plan to move to New York and try to act for a living and I can't even get cast in a show in Albuquerque?

And what makes it worse is that I still can't sing. I havent been in a show in so long and the last two shows I auditioned for I didnt get in. (this one and "And then they came for me"). I think up until this point I have just gotten lucky.

I often have discussions with my pals about how UNM is what you make of it because the powers that be dont believe that the program produces professional actors. And I always believed that if you work hard enough and have the drive, then it can. And here I am, graduated, done with school, with a degree in acting and I'm not ready for the professional world. Because, again, I can't even get cast in a local production of a show that is made up of about 90% students. I should be at a different level and I'm not.

So what are things I need to work on?

1) Acting. It seems silly because I have taken so many acting classes and I've been in many plays, but the truth is that I am not doing something right. So I need to do some research, read some books and work on some monologues. I need to do work on my own to figure out that thing I need to crack to become an actor that people want to work with.

2) Dance/Movement. I need to take some dance lessons. Perhaps not being in this show will be a good thing so I can have time in my schedule to go back to yoga and take dance classes. There are tons of dance studios near my house so I just need to go there and talk to them about the classes they offer and figure out ways that I can get some skills under my belt.

3) Voice. I am still recovering from my vocal surgery but I am feeling ready to get back on the vocal track. My next appointment with my speech pathologist is at the end of November. I am getting extra antsy to start working on my voice again, because in all honesty I'm feeling pretty useless as a performer without the use of my voice.

4) My Cabaret. I need to finish planning my cabaret so that when I do get my voice back I can perfect my songs, and get it on it's feet.

5) Confidence. When I was younger and had to go to group therapy my therapist said that I did a lot of the things I did because it was an excuse for me not to succeed. So that if I didnt succeed I could use it as an excuse. And I think right now, it's my weight. I blame my weight for almost everything- oh I can't get a job at this place because I'm fat. I can't get this part because I'm fat. They didn't cast me because I'm too fat. And then I use excuses to stay fat- my back hurts so I can't work out. I'm too tired to cook. I cant afford healthy food. I know that losing weight is hard and it's going to take a lot of work. But honestly, it's not my weight that is holding me back- it's the fact that I am using it as a big excuse.

I know that I have a lot to work on, but I am obviously not doing something right so it's time to make some big changes.

Let's just hope that I can actually follow through.

Job Hunting

I haven't had to look for a job in years. Back in 2008 I worked at the Spirit Halloween Store because I needed money for a Halloween Costume and to pay some parking tickets but that was only for a month. Fall of 2007 I worked at Papa John's Pizza for all of 3 months because I thought I had to have a job during college. I quit when one of my fellow driver friends was held at gun point in an apartment complex and got his wallet stolen. It scared me so I quit and then I realized that I didn't have to work at all, and during the summer I had camp. I worked at Camp every summer since 2007, and getting that job was... well I remember it being really easy but it might have been hard, I don't know. I know that I had to call Phil several times and visit his office a couple times before I heard back from him. And I really dont remember my phone interview because it was the day after I had my wisdom teeth removed and I was heavily medicated. But I only had to do that once. I did work at Sonic in High School but I didn't want to... and if I didn't want to do it THEN, I certainly don't want to do it NOW.

So far I have applied to two Whole Foods, two Sunflower Markets, five Starbucks, Keva Juice, Marshalls, TJ Maxx, and Michaels. That's 13 applications. Trader Joes isn't hiring but is taking applications... I kind of feel like it's a waste of paper. Like, if I fill this out now it doesn't mean that when someone quits or gets fired that they are going to pull MY application and call me for a job... and what if thats months from now? Hopefully I'll have a job by then.

I applied for Whole Foods last weekend. I called them on Wednesday and the Indian School location sounded like they are actually hiring, they pulled my application and said "Right on" and "Good Luck". The Academy location wasn't interested and isn't hiring. Again, I wonder why they even post a job application online if they aren't hiring. Could've saved me some time. So now what do I do? Do I call Whole Foods again?

Also I need to keep track of when I applied for what. That's part of why I'm posting this about my job search. I applied for Whole Foods on 9/10 and called them on the 14th. I applied for TJ Maxx, Marshalls and Starbucks on the 15th. I applied for Michael's last night and Keva Juice this morning. If I call Michael's I'm supposed to ask for "Sharon". And I'm supposed to call Starbucks on Monday around 3 because that's when the manager looks at the applications.

It's all very messy and strange and unnatural. Like I dont know why it even matters that I worked for the Spirit Halloween store because I only worked there for like three weeks, one time like three years ago and I didnt do anything wrong... I was just kind of there. And I dont know if I quit Sonic or was fired from Sonic... I honestly dont know what happened. One week I showed up and I wasn't on the schedule and I asked the General Manager why not and she said "because you quit". Now, I dont recall quitting but if thats what she says then SURE. So That's what I've been putting down.

Oh- and my General Manager from Sonic in 2005, is STILL WORKING at sonic now. I mean that's cool that she has a job and she probably gets good money/benefits... but I couldnt even handle being there for 6 months in High School, part time let alone six years full-time all the time as an adult.

And it's stupid because I get so nervous when I go in to places to see if they're hiring. I FEEL stupid like, what makes me so special? Why should they hire me? And then I see some of the people that ARE working there and I go "I could TOTALLY do that, what makes that person so special?" What does it take to GET a job? Because some of these people... I mean I feel like I'm pretty charismatic and nice and charming and have pretty good work ethic... and I'm a fast learner and I think... I don't know. Maybe its because I havent been working since a kid. Some people have just had jobs since they were allowed to work. I can't imagine that. But maybe they dont want to interview me because I'm 22 and I've only worked seasonal jobs or for a short time. Which is dumb because I've been in school. But I do know a lot of people who go to school full time who also work. It just didn't work for me, because I'm not very good at school. That sounds stupid too... but really it takes a lot of energy for me to do well in school and even at trying my hardest I still only had a B average in college. What especially sucks is that I DON'T technically have my Bachelors degree yet. So it's like... if I was too busy with school to have a job before and I'm still technically IN school, why would anyone give me a job?

I'm trying to remain optimistic. I wish getting a job was easier... OR I wish I just HAD one. That would be cool too. I wouldn't mind working at any of the places I applied to, I just hope one of them wants me!