I have entirely neglected my blog for months. I know this affected like... four people. So, to my valued readers, I apologize. I have some time now and figure it's never too late to pick up where you left off and let everyone know what happened, now that I have had time to process things, get over it and move on.
I probably should have read my last blog post so I knew where I left off. It's safe to assume that it was pretty much right after Kenneth left me. Which came as a total shock to most everyone who knew us, because we seemed so comfortable and good together. And we had been planning this trip to New York and planning to MOVE to New York and we had these dogs together and blah blah blah. It came as a complete shock to me too, although now looking back, if I had been more observant I suppose I could have seen it coming from miles away.
I got my first clue when he and I went to Colorado for his grandmother's funeral earlier this year. He acted strangely when his family would compliment us on how cute of a couple we were. He seemed hesitant to take pictures with me. He would barely hold on when I held his hand. After the service, he told me he was worried about how his mom was gonna hold up when he moved, and then later told me that he was unhappy with some things in our relationship. I promised to work on them and we came home the following day.
That evening, after we picked the dog up from my step sister's house, I got into bed and he stayed out in the living room (this had become common in our home, we barely ever went to sleep at the same time). But I couldn't sleep, I was reliving the weekend and the conversation about his mother and so on and so forth. And suddenly it clicked that something was not right. I came out into the living room and asked, "I know this is a stupid question, and I probably shouldn't even think it but... yesterday... were you trying to break up with me?" And he looked down and said, "I don't know". And suddenly it was like I was a different person. It felt like my stomach was being torn from my torso, every muscle in my body contracted and I fell to the floor sobbing. It was so dramatic and insane and... it was because in that moment I knew it was over and that loss was harder to bear than anything I had ever felt before. It was like being shot in the heart and stabbed in the back all at the same time.
Kenneth was the only person I had been with since I was sixteen years old. At sixteen I never would have imagined that I would find that person that I had planned on being with for the rest of my life. I had a relationship that I was proud of, that I bragged about often ("oh we communicate great, all the time. communication is key to a good relationship!") And it all came out from there. He told me he had been unhappy for years. That he couldn't trust me. That we wanted different things. He said he thought I must have been cheating on him. And that he never told me these things because he thought I would "figure out that he was unhappy and work to fix it". He didnt feel appreciated or loved or desired. I begged him to let me try to make it better. And he said he would let me try.
And I did, I tried for the next week. When he wasn't home, I cooked and cleaned and googled "How to Make Your Man Feel Appreciated"... and "How to keep him from leaving me". I tried to keep planning our July trip to New York (which was coming up in three short weeks). I'd look up places he may be interested in (Comic shops, gaming places, locations from famous movies he liked) and when I'd bring it up he would say things like "well it's your trip, do whatever you want to do" or "there's nothing i really care about in New York, so we'll just do whatever". It was so frustrating, and the whole time I felt nervous and desperate and in the back of my mind I knew it was too little too late. I couldn't change the years of bad feelings he had stored up in a week of trying... no matter how desperate I was or how hard I tried. I cried every day until he came home, when I would smile at him and ask him how his day was and what he wanted for dinner, because I knew that whenever I was sad or mad, he thought it was his fault or that I didn't notice how hard he worked to make me happy. I was pathetic.
A lot of this time was a blur for me. I know that I did some bad things ( like snooped in his phone to try to see what he was telling his friends- good thing he didn't trust me because he deleted all of his outgoing texts and some of the incoming) but when you feel as desperate as I did, you are driven to do crazy things. I was trying to find evidence of anything that would make this whole break up not my fault. And we talked... we talked a lot, and every conversation ended with him saying he's basically not happy and he doesn't want to move to New York.
The day we decided officially to break up, I was in the bedroom taking a nap before I had to go to a work meeting. He came in, laid down beside me and held me in his arms and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said "not really" and he heaved a frustrated sigh and said "I'm just worried I'm making a mistake". Now, I assumed that he meant making a mistake by leaving me so I say, " I'll just say this, I love you. I want you to move with me to New York." and he said, "I just don't think it's the right move for me sweetie". So I asked, "Is there any chance that you going on this trip with me is going to change your mind?" and he said, "I don't think so". So I said, "then I don't want you to come with me".
He agreed to give me all the money in our savings (which was mostly mine anyway, another one of the warning signs that he didn't actually want to go anywhere with me was that he basically put no money towards it. The money he did give me was by selling his D&D books, and I was the one who made the ad, found the buyer, etc. etc.) and the dog. My Dad helped me out a TON by buying Diana a plane ticket to come on the NYC trip with me instead of Kenneth (yes because his ticket was non refundable/non transferable) and we agreed to spend the next two weeks getting our things squared away at the apartment. We agreed that I would have most of my things moved out before the trip and when I came back I'd help clean and our lease would be over and that would be that.
It was my trip to New York City with Diana that really changed my perspective on the break up. I suddenly stopped blaming myself. He knew when he started dating me back in 2006 that I wanted to one day move away from here and that I loved performing. It was something I always thought he admired about me. In the six and a half years we were together, I had grown from a sixteen year old girl with hopes and dreams to a twenty three year old woman with a college education and the drive to make my dreams into a reality. I had changed so much, but what didn't change was that I still loved him and even though he hadn't changed much at all, I was willing to keep believing that he would.
So maybe it is a little bit my fault. Because you shouldn't want to change the person you love. But it was more than that. I believed that Kenneth was better than he gave himself credit for. He was way too smart to not have his GED. He was way too talented a writer and an artist to not have a passion or drive to do anything other than his games and hobbies. And it drove me nuts because I loved and respected him so much and I believed in him. I wanted to give him the world, and I felt that New York City would inspire him to really go out there and get what he wanted. But what I discovered is that he doesn't know what he wants.
I also came to realize how controlling I had been in the relationship. I made most of our decisions, where we were going to live, who was going to live with us, when we were going to get dogs, what their names were going to be. One summer I decided we were both going to work at my summer camp. But I think he was okay with that- because he didnt have to think about what he wanted, or he didn't have to admit that he didnt want ME anymore.
I admire Kenneth a little bit, I suppose for having the courage to leave me after all that time. It takes a lot of guts to say goodbye to the person you shared a quarter of your life so far with. But I wish that if he had been feeling all of the things he said he had been feeling for as long as he did, that he would have said something sooner. Before we opened the bank account, before my dad bought the plane tickets to NYC, before we signed the lease on the new apartment, before he came to work at camp... it could have saved so much hurt and anger and heart break.
When I came back from my trip to New York, it was like having a fire lit from under me. I was beyond excited to move out there by myself. I knew I could do it and I was (and still am) confident I can do it on my own. I auditioned for Jesus Christ Superstar here in Albuquerque exactly one year after having surgery on my vocal folds. I never felt better about an audition. I was cast in the show and became so busy with work and rehearsals... I didnt have time to feel sad. I cancelled our joint account, opened my own and just basically got my shit together.
Being in Jesus Christ Superstar has given me exactly what I needed. I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself and being down because I couldn't sing or I wasn't in a show or felt like I didn't have many friends. Being in this show has reminded me of that passion... that fire inside me. It has showed me that he was right to leave me, because I could never have loved him more than I love the art that I do. I have met so many incredible people, who are all so supportive and loving and talented beyond belief. And all of them are excited for me to go to New York and go get what I want from life. And that's exactly what I plan to do.
I may not ever become famous or get in a Broadway show, but I can't wait to go and try and see what happens. And I will never feel guilty or torn because I wont have to worry about anyone but me. And... I came to realize too that I am smart, and funny and interesting, and educated and pretty and have so much going for me... that him being unhappy in our relationship had very little to do with me.
I rarely even think about him anymore. I can honestly say that I don't miss him at all. Do I miss the way I felt with him? Sometimes. It's nice to always know that at home there is someone who thinks the world of you and thinks you're beautiful no matter what. But since I've been away from him, I've had to find ways to make myself feel beautiful and think the world of myself. Because I am the only constant thing in my own life, the only person who will be with me until the day I die is me.
In thirty eight days I get on a plane with a one-way ticket to New York City to start my life over again. And who knows where I'll go from there?
