Things are starting to pick up, I got a job as a cashier at Target. I start work tomorrow and I'm nervous, but excited. I think that I can do well there, and will probably get promoted once the seasonal work is over. It will be good for me to distract myself with this job.
My best friend from high school recently moved back to town and convinced me to audition for Peter Pan at the Vortex. I was excited because I really wanted to do a show with him again and I knew the director and stage manager. Things got more daunting when I went to the audition and realized that most everyone from school was auditioning too. Many of them didnt even realize that I had graduated and just thought I was taking a break or something. I really thought I had it, but I didnt get cast. But my two close friends who auditioned both got in. It's incredibly disheartening, especially because I have this whole big plan to move to New York and try to act for a living and I can't even get cast in a show in Albuquerque?
And what makes it worse is that I still can't sing. I havent been in a show in so long and the last two shows I auditioned for I didnt get in. (this one and "And then they came for me"). I think up until this point I have just gotten lucky.
I often have discussions with my pals about how UNM is what you make of it because the powers that be dont believe that the program produces professional actors. And I always believed that if you work hard enough and have the drive, then it can. And here I am, graduated, done with school, with a degree in acting and I'm not ready for the professional world. Because, again, I can't even get cast in a local production of a show that is made up of about 90% students. I should be at a different level and I'm not.
So what are things I need to work on?
1) Acting. It seems silly because I have taken so many acting classes and I've been in many plays, but the truth is that I am not doing something right. So I need to do some research, read some books and work on some monologues. I need to do work on my own to figure out that thing I need to crack to become an actor that people want to work with.
2) Dance/Movement. I need to take some dance lessons. Perhaps not being in this show will be a good thing so I can have time in my schedule to go back to yoga and take dance classes. There are tons of dance studios near my house so I just need to go there and talk to them about the classes they offer and figure out ways that I can get some skills under my belt.
3) Voice. I am still recovering from my vocal surgery but I am feeling ready to get back on the vocal track. My next appointment with my speech pathologist is at the end of November. I am getting extra antsy to start working on my voice again, because in all honesty I'm feeling pretty useless as a performer without the use of my voice.
4) My Cabaret. I need to finish planning my cabaret so that when I do get my voice back I can perfect my songs, and get it on it's feet.
5) Confidence. When I was younger and had to go to group therapy my therapist said that I did a lot of the things I did because it was an excuse for me not to succeed. So that if I didnt succeed I could use it as an excuse. And I think right now, it's my weight. I blame my weight for almost everything- oh I can't get a job at this place because I'm fat. I can't get this part because I'm fat. They didn't cast me because I'm too fat. And then I use excuses to stay fat- my back hurts so I can't work out. I'm too tired to cook. I cant afford healthy food. I know that losing weight is hard and it's going to take a lot of work. But honestly, it's not my weight that is holding me back- it's the fact that I am using it as a big excuse.
I know that I have a lot to work on, but I am obviously not doing something right so it's time to make some big changes.
Let's just hope that I can actually follow through.
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