What Have You Been Doing?!

I have not blogged in a very long time. I havent felt like I had anything to blog about, but now I do! For those of you who are my facebook friends, you know that I have lost 81 lbs since October of last year. Recently, I have received a handful of emails from friends asking me what I've been doing, what inspired me, and so on and so forth. So here goes! My story (so far):

Back in October, I was newly single and working on Jesus Christ Superstar. I was happier than I had been in a long time, I had a bunch of new friends and was feeling super motivated for my impending move to New York City. I was living at home with my dad to help save money and I had a job that I loved, with co-workers that I really jived with. I would say that I wasnt really thinking about my weight, but that would be a lie. Because I'm pretty sure that most everyone is always thinking about their bodies in some sense. And I was kind of trying to get in shape. I was drinking shakes for breakfast, swimming in my dad's pool and half-assing "Insanity" workouts every three days or so. Other than that I was eating crap, all the time. 

My dad told me one day that he had heard on the news about a couple of new medications that had been recently approved by the FDA to help patients lose weight. He suggested that I talk to my doctor about them, because it couldn't hurt, right? It didnt make much sense that I would be not eating the worst diet in the world and swimming all the time (not to mention dancing in JCS) and be as heavy as I was. So I had him write them down and I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. 

This was one of the hardest weeks of my life. It started with the doctors appointment. For years I have asked the doctors and nurses not to read me my weight. I just didnt want to hear it. And unless I was on some new fad diet kick, I didnt weigh myself at home either. But that day, I stepped on the scale and the nurse told me I was 280 lbs. 

It took everything I had not to break down in tears in front of her. I never thought in a million years that I would ever be 20 lbs shy of 300 lbs. I felt like I had completely let myself down. It was heartbreaking. No one in my family is overweight, so I couldn't blame genetics. I dont have any chronic ailments that cause obesity. This was all my fault. I did this to myself. 

I asked my doctor about these drugs my dad had heard about and he totally dismissed them. He said that every time a new drug comes out people come running to the doctor to try to get on them. He did say that he had some patients who had had success using a drug called "metformin". Its a drug prescribed to people with diabetes, to help them lose weight. I'm no doctor so I'm not going to try to describe what it does, especially if I get my facts wrong. ( But if youre curious- google it! ) He explained to me that because it aids with weight loss in serious cases (like mine), many doctors prescribe it to patients without diabetes (like me). He said he would put me on a low dose and to take it with my biggest meal of the day. And he told me I needed to do more cardio exercise. 

Before he would give me the prescription, he wanted to have my blood tested to make sure I didnt have any problems with my insulin, thyroid or anything else. I have always been a big girl, so I have had my thyroid checked more times than I can count. But I had to do it or he wouldnt give me the medicine that I was desperate to try. 

After a couple of days of waiting I received a phone call from my doctors office saying I needed to come back in to talk about my test results. My heart dropped. I was terrified. I mean, if my results were normal, I wouldnt have had to go back to the doctor.

So I went. Stepped on the scale again. Still 280. Waited for my doctor to come in and tell me that I, at the young age of 23, had high cholesterol. And then all the self hate started again. I had let myself get to 20 lbs shy of 300, and I had high cholesterol. I was so embarrassed. And sad. He offered to put me on medicine to lower my cholesterol and I asked him if I could lower it without using another drug and he said if I lost weight, I could do it. So I opted to try to lose weight before putting me on more medications. He gave me the prescription for metformin and I started it that day. That was Halloween. 

I decided after doctor/hell week that I couldnt think about it anymore. I had to kick ass in JCS, create my cabaret and prepare for my move. Obsessing over my weight was not in the cards at that moment. So I chose not to weigh myself anymore. I totally threw myself into my hobbies. I spent every day working on my voice, practicing the dances for the show, swimming with my stepmom and nephew, hanging out with my friends and being the best at my job..and I took my metformin every day with lunch. After JCS I planned my cabaret and sucked in as much Albuquerque as I possibly could before I packed my bags and took off for the big apple. 

*My NYC experience so far is a story all on its own, I will write another blog post about that another time. 

I got to New York December 7th of last year. After a week of being here, I decided that after five weeks of avoiding the dreaded scale, it was time. I was totally shocked. I was expecting the worst. Perhaps a couple pounds up or down because of the stress of the move. But what I saw was incredible- I was down to 253. In 5 weeks I had lost 27 lbs. I had never lost that much weight in my life. Usually I would lose 10 or 15 and then gain 20. I was so happy, I called my mom to brag. 

And all of this was without really changing my lifestyle. I had only been in New York a short time and hadnt done much walking yet, and I had been eating well while living with my dad because there was always good food available to me. I wasnt deprived or really wasnt much more active than I had been in the past. 

And then this all got me to thinking. If I could lose 27 lbs without trying... what would happen if I actually tried? Like really tried. Not like in the past where I'd attempt a crash diet and kind of do a workout dvd once in a blue moon. 

A friend of mine had told me about an app she was using that was helping her lose weight called "My Fitness Pal" (free for iphone and android people!). It's neat. You put in your height/weight/age and how much weight you want to lose (or gain) and it tells you how many calories you should be eating to reach your goals. You can also track your measurements if you'd like. What's the most useful though, is that its the easiest food diary I have ever kept. They have every thing you can possibly imagine (including most restaurant's foods) in their database, so you just type in what you ate and it will log your calories for that meal. So if I go to Starbucks and have a tall skim latte and a piece of pumpkin bread, I just whip out my phone and search for "tall skim latte" and it pops up, I click on it and it goes into my food log for the day and will then let me know how many calories I have left to eat for the day. It's also helpful for planning on eating. So if I look at my phone at 8:00 PM and I only have 90 calories left and I really want a snack, I have to make sure whatever I eat isnt more than 90 calories! So I started actually using this app to track everything I ate, drank, whatever. Every bite was logged (and still is). 

So once I started watching what I ate, the pounds kept coming off. I lost another 3 lbs, then 2 and so on. I was down 35 lbs when I started working at the beginning of January. I had two jobs for a while. The first one was just over 2 miles away from my apartment and the other just under a mile away. When I worked at Starbucks, I would take the train or bus to work, but when I worked at the Y, I'd walk the mile to the site and back every day, five days a week. It was only adding about 30 minutes of exercise (15 minutes to get there, 15 to get back) and not even all at once, but just adding a tiny bit of exercise helped me lose the next five. 

Then I stopped losing weight. I was still taking the metformin, still logging everything I ate in my phone app, still walking 30 minutes a day, five days a week. But I had just totally plateaued. I was down to 240, which made me really happy. Finally I was closer to being under 200 than other 300. And I was really proud of myself. But, I was frustrated because for about a month, I didnt lose any weight. I didnt gain any weight either... but I was liking what was happening and I wasnt ready to stop. 

I was really worried I was going to gain weight when I went home for my birthday at the end of March.  Thankfully, I didn't. But seeing all my friends and family again and their positive reactions to my new body (that I didnt really notice much of a difference with, but thats because I see myself every day!) made me want to work even harder to keep losing weight. I knew that I had to do something to get me losing again. 

So I actually went back and looked at my old food log entries on my app and noticed that while I was eating the correct amount of calories per day, I wasnt eating food that was particularly good for me. I was drinking most of my calories at Starbucks, eating free pastries, a lot of cheese and meat. One of my roommates is a vegetarian, the other is vegan. So I figured I might as well give it a try, if nothing else- to force me to eat more vegetables. So for two weeks I ate completely vegan and raw and just in those two weeks I lost 10 more lbs. I also stopped drinking alcohol. Since that cleanse I eat mostly vegan and only drink once every other week or so and only have one or two drinks max. The other upside to this is that I'm a real cheap drunk now!

The weight continued to come off, but I wasnt as happy as I'd been before. Before I didnt notice the changes in my body, but now I was seeing what appeared to be a much smaller person stuck in a saggy bag of fat girl skin. My whole body looked deflated and loose. And I'd watched enough reality television to know that sometimes when a person loses weight too quickly, they could have a bunch of excess skin and have to have surgery to remove it. This terrified me! What was the point of losing all this weight (other than my health of course!) if I was just going to look WORSE than I did before? 

So I went looking for help. The My Fitness Pal app also has a website and an online community. I went to the "fitness" forums and posted a plea for help. Begging my fellow food loggers for advice on how to get rid of this "deflated" feeling and if anyone else had ever felt this way before. I was overwhelmed with responses in minutes! And everyone was saying the same thing. And it was a no-brainer, really. 

I needed to start working out. 

Having lost my job at the Y, I had nothing but time as I was always done at Starbucks by 2:00 PM at the latest. Additionally, there's a gym right across the street from my store. So when I left my apartment in the morning I was already wearing my gym clothes. Sneakers on, stretchy pants and a sports bra/tank top of some kind. And every day I went to work, meant another day at the gym. And that meant I was going to the gym 4-5 times a week. 

At the gym I always do 25-50 minutes of cardio (I switch it up and try not to use the same cardio machine two days in a row) and 30-45 minutes of strength training. 

Finally I started seeing positive changes in my body! I could see it in my shoulders, my face, my thighs. I had to buy all new bras because my chest was smaller... I had to buy all new everything because none of my clothes fit anymore. (Losing weight is not cheap!) And I started to feel that saggy loose bag of fat girl skin start to tighten up. 

When my weight loss started to slow down again, I chose to kick it up a notch by switching up my workouts (with advice from my former personal trainer mom!), doing different things in the gym (cardio circuits and whatnot). I also started walking to Starbucks, 2.5 miles there, 2.5 miles back, about 80 minutes round trip. And whenever possible, I'd walk anywhere else. It's only a 3 mile walk to Central Park from my apartment. And why go to the nearest train station if you're not in a hurry? I'd rather be above ground anyway! And I'd walk home from work even though I was also going to the gym. 

And since all of that, I most recently stepped on the scale and burst into tears. But not because I hated myself. Not because I had no one to blame but me or because I was ashamed. But because for the first time since I was 17 years old, I was finally looking a number on the scale in the 100's. Not the 200's. Instead of feeling like I'd let myself down, I feel like I'm powerful. I am in control of my body for the first time in my life. And I feel fantastic!

Some friends have asked why I didnt do this a long time ago. And the answer is that, for me, in order to lose weight, I had to make it my number one priority. And I couldn't do that when I was trying to graduate college, or recuperate from vocal chord surgery, or mourn the death of my dog, or mourn the end of my relationship. But since I have been here, I have been able to make myself and my health the most important thing in my life. I have been able to look at my life as precious and something that I need to take care of. I have made it my job to get in shape, not just to look good, but so that I can spend the rest of my (much longer- hopefully!) life loving myself, being confident and healthy. 

My ultimate goal is to one day be able to maintain a healthy weight without it being my entire life. I want to travel, have a career, maybe even get married one day or have a kid. But for right now, I have to do this. And the way I see it- one year of this will be worth it for the rest of my life. And I understand that I will always have to work on it- I'm not stupid, but once I get to my goal weight, I hope to be able to figure out how to maintain it without it being my entire world.

----A side note real quick on metformin- I have done a lot of reading on the subject of "metformin and weight loss" and most people I have read about have really only lost 10-15 pounds using just the drug and at a MUCH higher dose than I was on. So after the first 27, I'm really not sure how much of my weight loss is attributed to the medication. And I really dont like talking about it because I hate whenever people assume that I'm only losing weight because of the medicine. I have not used metformin for three weeks, not because I ran out, but because I am choosing to do this, the rest of the way, without the aid of drugs. Even though it was legally prescribed to me by my doctor lol. And since I've stopped the metformin, I've lost six more pounds. ----

My journey is far from over. I still have fifty more pounds to lose to be within a healthy BMI rating, and twenty after that to be at my goal weight. So in reality... I'm really only halfway there. 81 down... 69 to go. But on the plus side-  I'm well on my way to reaching my goal. 

I'm trying to remain positive. However, I will not beat myself up if this is as far as I go. I will not consider myself a failure. But I will never let myself get over 200 again. And thats the truth. 

So yes, in summation. In 9 months I have lost 81 lbs, 5 pant sizes, one bra size and a shoe size (who knew your feet can shrink when you lose weight?!). And I've done it by working my ass off in the gym four to five times a week, making wise food choices (mostly whole fruits and veggies all day every day!) and being nice to myself whenever possible. I'm not an expert, or a professional, or a doctor, I'm just a girl who was ready to make her life better. But if you ever want to talk to me or ask me questions you certainly can. But I'm still just me, I'm the same ol' Jenni... just smaller lol. 

And really, being so public and open about my progress has been a huge factor too. Nothing makes you feel more motivated than knowing that behind you are all of your friends and family cheering you on every day. I strongly encourage everyone who is trying to lose weight to be open about it, I dont regret it for one minute. I have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. This is my life right now. 

So if you read this far, thank you so much for supporting me and loving me before, now and later. No really :)

Goodnight 2012

This entire year I have been saying "WTF 2012?!" Starting in January, right from the get-go, 2012 was looking like it was going to be a disaster. So much of a disaster that I was starting to believe that maybe the Mayans were right and that the world was going to end. At least my world.

On January 3rd, 2012, Kenneth and I found ourselves with a day off together, which rarely happened. So we decided to take advantage of the situation and go spend a day together. We went to Petsmart and got new collars and tags for the dogs (and some cheap holiday clearance toys), went to wal-mart for sweatshirts. We ate at Firehouse Subs for the first time and went to two different Targets to buy games for our new Nintendo Wii. We had a really nice morning and I was eager to get home and take down our Christmas decorations. 

When I walked into my apartment, however, something was wrong. My dogs didn't immediately come attack me with love like the usually did. Sebastian was sitting on the couch looking confused and sad and Emma was nowhere in sight. I called for her, put my bags down and went to the window to start taking down decorations. I saw her under the Christmas tree with a bag stuck on her head. I panicked and tried to run out the front door. I came back right away and Kenneth checked to see if she was breathing. She wasn't. I picked up Sebastian and went to the bedroom while Kenneth cleaned up, wrapped Emma in a blanket and called my dad. I was completely distraught. Emma was like a child to me. I picked her from the litter, raised her from a puppy and had become completely attached to her. She followed me everywhere I went, she even curled around my feet when I went to the bathroom. It was a really difficult adjustment living without her. It greatly affected my relationship with my other dog and my boyfriend. 

But after a while, the emptiness I felt without her started to go away. I got really busy with work and decided to really focus on my impending move to NYC. I was really making plans. Kenneth and I bought our plane tickets for our visit in the summer and we started to choose what we were going to sell and what we were going to keep. We opened a joint bank account and started throwing money into our savings. 

Kenneth's beautiful grandmother passed away early in 2012 as well. It came as a shock to most everyone because she had endured so much. She survived lung cancer and a host of other health problems. She was a well-loved woman and it was very sad to lose her. The family decided to wait to have the funeral in the late spring/early summer so that everyone in the family could go. 

I quit my job at Target and started working for ARCA and Campfire USA. I was working seven days a week, I never had a break. Every weekday I worked split shifts for Campfire and every weekend I worked 24 hours for ARCA. I was making a lot of money, but I never had time for my friends, family or my boyfriend. I still found time for voice lessons though! 

And as everyone knows, after Kenneth's grandmother's funeral, Kenneth and I broke up. (see previous post)

And as everyone knows, after Kenneth and I broke up, I was in Jesus Christ Superstar. 

Jesus Christ Superstar was an important show for me. I made a lot of new friends and learned a lot about myself as a performer and a person. One person in particular turned into one of my best friends...and I never would have expected it. Getting so close to him right before I moved turned out to be incredibly difficult. I was ready to say "goodbye for now" to everyone else, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him. I think one of the most difficult parts of moving for me has been not being able to actively be a part of his life as much as I was when I was back home. But it gets easier every day. It has to. 

And I moved to New York City. My only goal for this year was to move here and I did it. A small part of me wishes that I had waited until now to move. I missed Christmas with my family. I learned the hard way that I NEVER want to do that again. And I could have had some more time with my friends. But I am super proud that I actually went through with it. I didn't expect to be this scared, or this homesick. I've been here for a little more than three weeks, I start a job at the Harlem YMCA on the 7th and I've had interviews for other jobs. I've spent time with fellow New Mexico transplants, explored the city a little and seen some shows. I met a guy (too soon to tell at this point, but at least I've made a new friend) who is unlike anyone else I know... so I can only guess what my life will be like this time next year. 

Right now, my heart is still in New Mexico. I have decided to give myself a year in New York, and I will re-evaluate next December. I know that a lot is going to change between now and then- I mean look how much my life changed THIS year! But right now, if my heart is still in Albuquerque by next December, then I'm going to come home. But I need to give New York a real shot. I need to go out and meet people and start working and going to auditions. Because that's why I came here. And in a year, if I feel like I gave it a shot and I still want to come home, then I will come home with my head held high and I will still be proud of myself. 

So, while a ton of bad stuff happened... it wasn't a total disaster. It certainly wasn't the end of the world. I know that a ton of major life changes happened for me, and I will forever remember 2012. I thought that I would end the year with joy and a "good riddance", but ultimately, I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the things I accomplished. I am proud of my friendships and relationships and the decisions I made for myself. I look forward to whatever 2013 has to offer!

I'm ending this blog with a quote. I usually like to quote people I admire, in this case I'm quoting someone I don't have an opinion about, but I really just liked the quote haha. Enjoy, be safe tonight and I'll post again soon. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear."-  Pat Riley

2/22/2006 to 7/29/2012 to Right Now

I have entirely neglected my blog for months. I know this affected like... four people. So, to my valued readers, I apologize. I have some time now and figure it's never too late to pick up where you left off and let everyone know what happened, now that I have had time to process things, get over it and move on.

I probably should have read my last blog post so I knew where I left off. It's safe to assume that it was pretty much right after Kenneth left me. Which came as a total shock to most everyone who knew us, because we seemed so comfortable and good together. And we had been planning this trip to New York and planning to MOVE to New York and we had these dogs together and blah blah blah. It came as a complete shock to me too, although now looking back, if I had been more observant I suppose I could have seen it coming from miles away.

I got my first clue when he and I went to Colorado for his grandmother's funeral earlier this year. He acted strangely when his family would compliment us on how cute of a couple we were. He seemed hesitant to take pictures with me. He would barely hold on when I held his hand. After the service, he told me he was worried about how his mom was gonna hold up when he moved, and then later told me that he was unhappy with some things in our relationship. I promised to work on them and we came home the following day.

That evening, after we picked the dog up from my step sister's house, I got into bed and he stayed out in the living room (this had become common in our home, we barely ever went to sleep at the same time). But I couldn't sleep, I was reliving the weekend and the conversation about his mother and so on and so forth. And suddenly it clicked that something was not right. I came out into the living room and asked, "I know this is a stupid question, and I probably shouldn't even think it but... yesterday... were you trying to break up with me?" And he looked down and said, "I don't know". And suddenly it was like I was a different person. It felt like my stomach was being torn from my torso, every muscle in my body contracted and I fell to the floor sobbing. It was so dramatic and insane and... it was because in that moment I knew it was over and that loss was harder to bear than anything I had ever felt before. It was like being shot in the heart and stabbed in the back all at the same time.

Kenneth was the only person I had been with since I was sixteen years old. At sixteen I never would have imagined that I would find that person that I had planned on being with for the rest of my life. I had a relationship that I was proud of, that I bragged about often ("oh we communicate great, all the time. communication is key to a good relationship!") And it all came out from there. He told me he had been unhappy for years. That he couldn't trust me. That we wanted different things. He said he thought I must have been cheating on him. And that he never told me these things because he thought I would "figure out that he was unhappy and work to fix it". He didnt feel appreciated or loved or desired. I begged him to let me try to make it better. And he said he would let me try.

And I did, I tried for the next week. When he wasn't home, I cooked and cleaned and googled "How to Make Your Man Feel Appreciated"... and "How to keep him from leaving me". I tried to keep planning our July trip to New York (which was coming up in three short weeks). I'd look up places he may be interested in (Comic shops, gaming places, locations from famous movies he liked) and when I'd bring it up he would say things like "well it's your trip, do whatever you want to do" or "there's nothing i really care about in New York, so we'll just do whatever". It was so frustrating, and the whole time I felt nervous and desperate and in the back of my mind I knew it was too little too late. I couldn't change the years of bad feelings he had stored up in a week of trying... no matter how desperate I was or how hard I tried. I cried every day until he came home, when I would smile at him and ask him how his day was and what he wanted for dinner, because I knew that whenever I was sad or mad, he thought it was his fault or that I didn't notice how hard he worked to make me happy. I was pathetic.

A lot of this time was a blur for me. I know that I did some bad things ( like snooped in his phone to try to see what he was telling his friends- good thing he didn't trust me because he deleted all of his outgoing texts and some of the incoming) but when you feel as desperate as I did, you are driven to do crazy things. I was trying to find evidence of anything that would make this whole break up not my fault. And we talked... we talked a lot, and every conversation ended with him saying he's basically not happy and he doesn't want to move to New York.

The day we decided officially to break up, I was in the bedroom taking a nap before I had to go to a work meeting. He came in, laid down beside me and held me in his arms and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said "not really" and he heaved a frustrated sigh and said "I'm just worried I'm making a mistake". Now, I assumed that he meant making a mistake by leaving me so I say, " I'll just say this, I love you. I want you to move with me to New York." and he said, "I just don't think it's the right move for me sweetie". So I asked, "Is there any chance that you going on this trip with me is going to change your mind?" and he said, "I don't think so". So I said, "then I don't want you to come with me".

He agreed to give me all the money in our savings (which was mostly mine anyway, another one of the warning signs that he didn't actually want to go anywhere with me was that he basically put no money towards it. The money he did give me was by selling his D&D books, and I was the one who made the ad, found the buyer, etc. etc.) and the dog. My Dad helped me out a TON by buying Diana a plane ticket to come on the NYC trip with me instead of Kenneth (yes because his ticket was non refundable/non transferable) and we agreed to spend the next two weeks getting our things squared away at the apartment. We agreed that I would have most of my things moved out before the trip and when I came back I'd help clean and our lease would be over and that would be that.

It was my trip to New York City with Diana that really changed my perspective on the break up. I suddenly stopped blaming myself. He knew when he started dating me back in 2006 that I wanted to one day move away from here and that I loved performing. It was something I always thought he admired about me. In the six and a half years we were together, I had grown from a sixteen year old girl with hopes and dreams to a twenty three year old woman with a college education and the drive to make my dreams into a reality. I had changed so much, but what didn't change was that I still loved him and even though he hadn't changed much at all, I was willing to keep believing that he would.

So maybe it is a little bit my fault. Because you shouldn't want to change the person you love. But it was more than that. I believed that Kenneth was better than he gave himself credit for. He was way too smart to not have his GED. He was way too talented a writer and an artist to not have a passion or drive to do anything other than his games and hobbies. And it drove me nuts because I loved and respected him so much and I believed in him. I wanted to give him the world, and I felt that New York City would inspire him to really go out there and get what he wanted. But what I discovered is that he doesn't know what he wants.

I also came to realize how controlling I had been in the relationship. I made most of our decisions, where we were going to live, who was going to live with us, when we were going to get dogs, what their names were going to be. One summer I decided we were both going to work at my summer camp.  But I think he was okay with that- because he didnt have to think about what he wanted, or he didn't have to admit that he didnt want ME anymore.

I admire Kenneth a little bit, I suppose for having the courage to leave me after all that time. It takes a lot of guts to say goodbye to the person you shared a quarter of your life so far with. But I wish that if he had been feeling all of the things he said he had been feeling for as long as he did, that he would have said something sooner. Before we opened the bank account, before my dad bought the plane tickets to NYC, before we signed the lease on the new apartment, before he came to work at camp... it could have saved so much hurt and anger and heart break.

When I came back from my trip to New York, it was like having a fire lit from under me. I was beyond excited to move out there by myself. I knew I could do it and I was (and still am) confident I can do it on my own. I auditioned for Jesus Christ Superstar here in Albuquerque exactly one year after having surgery on my vocal folds. I never felt better about an audition. I was cast in the show and became so busy with work and rehearsals... I didnt have time to feel sad. I cancelled our joint account, opened my own and just basically got my shit together.

Being in Jesus Christ Superstar has given me exactly what I needed. I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself and being down because I couldn't sing or I wasn't in a show or felt like I didn't have many friends. Being in this show has reminded me of that passion... that fire inside me. It has showed me that he was right to leave me, because I could never have loved him more than I love the art that I do. I have met so many incredible people, who are all so supportive and loving and talented beyond belief. And all of them are excited for me to go to New York and go get what I want from life. And that's exactly what I plan to do.

I may not ever become famous or get in a Broadway show, but I can't wait to go and try and see what happens. And I will never feel guilty or torn because I wont have to worry about anyone but me. And... I came to realize too that I am smart, and funny and interesting, and educated and pretty and have so much going for me... that him being unhappy in our relationship had very little to do with me.

I rarely even think about him anymore. I can honestly say that I don't miss him at all. Do I miss the way I felt with him? Sometimes. It's nice to always know that at home there is someone who thinks the world of you and thinks you're beautiful no matter what. But since I've been away from him, I've had to find ways to make myself feel beautiful and think the world of myself. Because I am the only constant thing in my own life, the only person who will be with me until the day I die is me.

In thirty eight days I get on a plane with a one-way ticket to New York City to start my life over again. And who knows where I'll go from there?

Selling All My Stuff

Between now and the last post, a really huge life altering event has occurred. But I don't feel like writing about it right now. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to write about it, but if you know me personally and are really interested and just can't wait (and I havent already told you), feel free to shoot me a private message/email and ask. 

But regardless- I am still moving to New York City as soon as possible. Because the lease at my apartment is up at the end of this month, I need to get rid of all of my things before I leave for my New York TRIP on the 24th and come back on the 29th. I'm selling all of my furniture, my record player (much to my dismay), my keyboard (much to my dismay), 80 of our dvds and much more. Basically, if it's in my house, it's probably for sale (other than some of my clothes, my wii, my guitar and my camera). I have put a lot of it on craigslist, and remember that all prices are just a ballpark (I hardly expect to actually get 300 for my couch) But if you're in the market for anything please look at my craigslist post, or shoot me a text or email and just ask. 

Click here for the big Craigslist Ad with almost everything in it

Click here for a full list of the DVDs I'm selling

Every thing you buy from me, any photos you get taken by me, any donations you make on ChipIn no matter how big or small, helps get one step closer to my dream of living and thriving in New York City. As always, thanks for reading and helping!

Dancing Through Life...

Today was a pretty awesome day! I started out cleaning my house some and then went and took headshots for a beautiful young actress, went home and cleaned some more and then met Diana at Maple Street Dance Space in Nob Hill for an African Dance class!

The picture above is the inside of Maple Street Dance Space, its from their website, but next time I'm gonna take my own pictures of the outside and stuff. It's a beautiful space and the people there were so nice and inviting. I'm usually kind of scared to go to dance class because the people there have (in general) been doing it longer than I have and I usually have a really hard time picking things up. But this place is so great, everyone was at varying degrees of awesome, and they all had more experience than both Diana and myself (clearly- it was our first time!) but they all seemed excited to see new people. It built on itself too, like it started out with the most basic and then got harder and harder but by the time it was at its hardest, you were just having fun. I was complimented by several people in the class on my rhythm, they were surprised that it was my first African Dance class and couldn't believe that I hadn't have much dance training at all. This has really boosted my confidence and has made me want to take more and more dance classes. Maple Street has Adult Beginners Ballet class too, and its taught by the same woman who teaches African Dance, so I'm definitely going to check that out too so I can get my basics down. I can't believe how much fun I had tonight and I'm for sure going back again and again.

I was supposed to go to yoga with my sister afterward, but she wanted to go shoe shopping and go eat dinner instead. I figured this was okay because I had just been dancing, and we went to Sweet Tomatoes. I've been really good about not spending money unless I have to (gas, bills, groceries) in the past couple weeks so I let myself go out to eat with Amy, and it's salad haha.

So yeah! Super great day! Thanks for reading :)

One small step...

So much has happened since my last post, some toward the NYC goal and some not.

My sister and I took a short trip down to Alamogordo, NM to visit my mom and step dad. It was nice. My sister and I had a really great talk on the way down there. We talked about things we had never talked to each other about. It was surprising, and enlightening and I feel a lot closer to her now. During our full day there, my sister wanted to learn how to shoot my step dad's guns, and I tagged along (I mean, every one else was going). I wasn't very interested in it, but I wanted to be with my family so I went too. I shot his rifle, because I have shot and taught others how to shoot the rifles at camp. I mean the camp ones were air rifles, but it was essentially the same. My sister had a ton of fun with that, and she's a pretty good shot too. Afterward we went to lunch at the fanciest restaurant in Alamogordo. And after that my mom and I upgraded my phone (it's pretty neat, I'm still getting used to it though) and then we all went to White Sands to watch the sunset. We were all so exhausted on the way back that my step dad even fell asleep in the car.

The ride back home was only a little more stressful, because we got a late start and accidentally made a wrong turn and drove in the wrong direction for twenty minutes... and then had to spend another twenty minutes going all the way back to Tularosa. So it took us about an hour longer to get home than usual, but in the end it was a really nice trip with my sister.

Kenneth and I have been starting to sell some of our stuff on Craigslist (the stuff we didnt think would do so well at a yard sale). So far we've sold Kenneth's Dungeons & Dragons books for $400, which is super awesome. And Kenneth got a bonus for referring me to ARCA, and we were able to put that in our savings as well. I also put my very last paycheck from Campfire USA in our savings account today. The number's getting higher and it's starting to look like we're not so screwed. We still have a long way to go, but it's not looking so dismal anymore :)

If anyone has ever been to my house and seen something they wanted (like if you really love our couch or or tv...) shoot me an email and let me know and maybe we can just sell it to you :) We will be having a yard sale (the yard is TBA) before we leave for our trip next month and everything must go!

I also decided that it's time for me to get a second job, because I'm only getting part time hours at ARCA and instead of picking up 40 hours there, I could get a second job and make a little more money (thats what I was doing with Campfire USA). I've also decided that its time for me to get some serving experience. I've done childcare and retail already and could probably get a job doing one of those when we get to New York. I could also work for an agency like ARCA, but I want to have as much work experience as possible so that in the event that I want to work as a server in New York, I'll have a better chance. But its really important for me to have my weekday evenings free, so I want to work at a restaurant that does breakfast/lunch. I was inspired by my friend Christie who just moved to New York City in January- when she lived here she worked at Cracker Barrel. So I went in today and applied, I talked to a manager right away who seemed impressed with my application, liked the fact that I knew Christie (asked how she was doing) and said he would give me a call by Friday to schedule a formal interview. I also applied at the Range. Either tomorrow or Wednesday I'm also going to apply at Weck's, and look at some other breakfast joints close(ish) to my house.

My friend Amy came with me to my last voice lesson because she wanted to see how a voice lesson typically goes with my teacher. It was really fun, but I wondered afterward if I behaved differently because she was there. Was I performing? It was odd, but I still got some good work done. What I really need to do is pick five songs for my audition book that I do really well and then work on them with Donna until they're perfect. I wish my printer was working because there are some pieces of music that I need to get off my computer to work on with Donna. Also, once I work on something else with her I'll record another video with Paul.

So that's it! I went on a trip with my sister, had another voice lesson and put some more money in the bank. I just keep on keeping on. As always, thanks for reading and if you ever feel inspired to pitch in to help me achieve my dream of moving to New York City, you can click the ChipIn widget below to donate.  Thanks!

Getting Back to Business

Last week, my voice teacher was out of town so I didn't have a lesson. Instead I chose to take a vocal coaching session from the esteemed Mr. Paul Roth, which was fun, but now I've got to really get back to relearning my vocal technique. I'm afraid that I forgot a lot of what Donna was teaching me... it's been only a week I know, but sometimes it's hard for me to get the feeling/placement/breathing/everything else right without someone there who knows what I'm doing wrong when something doesn't sound right.

I had to make a very difficult decision this past weekend. I had to choose between working the weekend or taking it off to audition for a show. It's so important to me that I do a show before I leave Albuquerque, but so far I havent had much luck since my surgery, and we're fighting so hard to raise all the money we need that I decided it would be foolish to take the time off work for something that I might not even get. At this point I've chosen to work and continue taking voice lessons.

This weekend, Kenneth and I went to the joint birthday party of Gilbert and Jessica F., it was very fun, but also was a super great networking night. I met someone new who loves my photography and wants to have headshots done, and I made a deal with a dancer friend to trade photography work for private dance lessons (Lord knows, I need them!) Also, I asked Jess out on a girl-date to get to know her better. She is super talented and has already lived in New York once (and is moving back out there soon), so I know she will have super awesome advice and wisdom to share with me... also I've known her for so long and we've never hung out just us, and I've decided that sucks and we should be better friends. Thankfully she agreed :)

This weekend I got really into my book about living in New York and I highlighted important websites and information I found helpful. I dog-eared the pages about which neighborhoods in Brooklyn I wouldn't mind living in. I do wish, though, that this book had more information about cost... when I was reading about the different neighborhoods it didn't once mention anything like "this neighborhood is affordable" or "this neighborhood is pricey". And it's a little out-dated, I was reminded when I read a passage that mentioned what hell it is to drive through Time Square... but you can't drive through Time Square anymore, it's all one big sidewalk now!

Today, I took it easy. I ate really well and went on a couple walks with Sebastian. I had a short training at the ARCA home I work for, and did a bunch of internet apartment hunting. I looked at craigslist postings for Brooklyn and looked at sublet.com (a website my book recommended). I looked at apartments in the neighborhoods I had dogeared in my book. I quickly discovered which neighborhoods are pricey and which are affordable haha! Also, Kenneth and I are toying with the idea of finding a month-to-month sublet or renting just a room for a month or two while we look for an apartment we want to sign a lease to. We're finding rooms available as late as August 1st for 600-900 a month, which is a steal. And if there are openings like that right now, I can only imagine that if we continue to look we will find something when we're ready to move out there.

I woke up really early this morning with a killer charlie horse cramp in my calf and its still sore from it. So I'm gonna drink a bunch of water and wrap it in my heating pad and try to get some sleep. Thanks for reading and I'll be sure to post about my voice lesson tomorrow :) See ya!

As always, thanks to my ChipIn supporters!!!



And in case you're curious, here is a link to my tumblr page, which I use as my online photography portfolio:
http://iamjwphotography.tumblr.com/